What's worse than being called a mistake? 

I lied. It was my fault. I admit it. He's been through this several times in the past and lying to him now is the worst thing a person he trusts could do. 

He turned and started to leave. 

I held my ground. I prayed and wished that he'd turn around. 

He did.

I hoped he'd come running back and tell me we'll get past it. 

But i saw the anger in his face. One that I have seen once before. 

He looked at me and then he told me that he'll get rid of all the things that reminds him of his mistake.

 And the moment we first spoke to each other flashed. it was a mistake.

I am a mistake.

What's worse than being called a mistake?

On the fourteenth of the second, I made a letter. It wasn't for the guy in the past or any other guy in the present. It was for you, my future love. So buckle up and hear me. :)
This was made while I was gloriously drunk so pardon the shitness.
"You found me in my darkest place. You made me breathe in all the goodness that you breathe out. You made me see the best out of the worst. You don't have to give me all that galactic bullshit that guys are offering to other girls. I don't want the stars, the moon, or even Venus. I just want you. Every little piece of you. I want the way you look past my mask. I want the way you stare into my soul. I want every hidden stories behind your tattoos. Every piece of you  may it be broken or whole. I just want you. All of you. No flowers. No chocolates. No promises. No bullshit. No pretense. Just you. I don't want anything else in this world. You're what I want. You're what I need. And you offered yourself to me and I'm grateful and contented now more than ever."

LOL!
senseless Na.Na*

Here I am, three months after leaving without saying goodbye, silently sitting while wondering how you are. I am not really the type of person that would leave in a bad way. I mean, I told you that we could remain friends; I swore to you that our friendship is still intact -- but it looks like I contradicted myself. Err, my bad. 

So, in a new ground, I need to explain myself, maybe not directly to you but still I need to explain myself somehow to completely be in terms with that whole moving on and letting go cliche that I now live by.

There we were, it was the month of July that I magically disappeared from your life -- full of angst, hatred and what not. I loathe you. I seriously murdered you in my mind. I was really hurt -- madly. I was just sitting on my sofa (remember? the one where we screwed over), trying to make sense with everything that has happened; sorting out, figuring out what led us to doomsday. I was so busy holding on that I've forgotten my pledge to myself that I will never let some guy dictate how I should live my life. In my impulsiveness one morning, I took out the sim card from my phone and broke it in half, without even saying good bye. You can't blame me for it, well, you should but at that moment of clarity -- of crazy epiphany, I thought it was the right thing that I NEEDED to do and I didn't and I won't even regret doing that. 

With what happened, with you screwing me with all your sweet whatevers while clearly flirting with every single girls who has a crush on you, made me realize that I am not what you wanted. Clearly, it was all fun and games and I've had enough of it. I got tired of playing -- playing second best. I was too blind to see that I was and will always be your second option -- your go-to buddy when you're bored and I can't and will never be more than that.

I saw the signs. They were too obvious for anyone to notice but not to me. I got blindsided and I was too caught up with the attention that you were given me. See, it wasn't entirely your fault -- most of it was mine. I shouldn't have blamed you then but I needed someone to blame. I couldn't accept the fact that it wouldn't have happened if I didn't allow it to happen.

Now, it's been three months since then. Since I left without a trace. You "restricted" me to view your FB profile. I guess, I deserve that. I deserve the indifference because I know that I started it but who could blame me? If I haven't stopped our communication, I wouldn't be over you and you couldn't be totally happy with her. I did us both a favor. It was for our own good.

I guess, we were too good for each other. We had too much in common that we could ultimately deduce that we were better off friends. We always had it in mind that what we had has an ending. I always knew that. I knew, one day, I had to let you go and I thought that I was ready for it but I guessed it wrongly. I remember telling you not to think about the future and just enjoy the ride. I did enjoy the ride. It was one hell of a ride, babe.

Hey, I didn't say good bye because I could see no point for it. Explaining it you could have worsen things. I was confused, then and I needed change. I needed to get far away from you.

You were the best thing that happened to me last year. After the chaos that has happened to me at that time, you were like my knight in Chuck Taylor and swept me out of tower (metaphor for my fucked up home life).

After all the things that have happened, with all we have said and done, I don't hate you anymore. All I could ever think of now is if you're doing good. I know that you're happy. I can feel it. But I still do wonder what songs your into now or if you still dissect every lyrics or take out certain lines that would describe what you're feeling, etc..

I am, too. I am happy now and I'm doing good. I got no job, though but still, I am extremely comfortable being alone. I am contented right now that I don't need no man to make me happy. It's nice to let things out of the open.

You will always be one of my epic loves. Don't you forget that. . .

I wish you love and happiness.




As always,

D.

Lifeline -- You Make it Real

Do you remember our song? It used to be our relationship's lifeline. Every single fight we had, I used to listen to that song and it somewhat saved your ass for a long while and then suddenly, it didn't matter anymore. as awesome as it is, it couldn't save us -- it couldn't erase what you've done. pain overtook the song's importance. it's like, i used to listen to it everyday but the more i listened to it as our relationship started to fade -- it didn't sound the same anymore. honestly though, i haven't listened to it until today. I had forgotten about it and then i remembered, it's a tuesday and tuesdays are special to us and so i listened to it. Bla bla. Now, it's just a passing song. A song that's only meant to be heard when i want to feel that long forgotten feeling of comfort. It now stands as a reminder -- a reminder of happiness beyond words and of that chest crushing pain. Do you know that feeling or that moment when you've had this favorite song you had light years away and just in a passing moment, you've heard it in a radio and you're like, 'this song is familiar. oh yeah' and then you start singing it but you forgot some of the words but still you'd get that sense of familiarity? yeah, your existence would be like that to me now. When someone mentions your name, i'm going to get that same feeling but that's just it, eh. 

"You got to be the only one, who knows just who I am."

*senseless Na.Na*

Good bye, Sanity

Breathing . .   it's so hard sometimes.
Struggling . .    I'm in a limbo, alone and confused.
Crying . .    silent flow of tears.
Listening . .   hushed voices in my head.
Screaming . .   a silent plea.
Crushing . .   china - like organ for survival.
Ending . .    a zeal of happiness. Waiting . .  a saving grace.
Bidding . .   good bye, sanity. 

*senseless Na.Na*

7 Words or Less

Closing my eyes

I listened

To the silent words of the forgotten

Tears spilt

Memories remembered

Pictures flashed

Found a new revelation

Opening my eyes

The truth crashed

Denial lifted

I miss you

That’s all I’ve been missing.

*senseless Na.Na*

A Way Out

it’s a way out, i guess. drinking, hanging out, or reading a book with a happy ending but at the end of the day, when you’re completely doing nothing — every detail of the painful experiences that you’ve had crash over, the pain you’ve thought that has subsided tightens up your chest and there’s nothing you could do but to cry and when that’s done, when you’ve shed enough tears and you’ve felt better, all you could do is to remind yourself that you need to be strong and not let another memory make you go back to that moment that you’ve thought you couldn’t get over with. I am not making sense at all. haha. bottom line is that I’m struggling to set myself free from all this bullshit. one minute, i’m okay and the next thing i know, i’m moping. and i’m just tired of going back and forth with that sort of emotion but i guess, life is a push and pull of some sort or an emotional roller coaster. maybe, this is the reason why i can’t seem to open up to a guy who’s interested in me because a part of me will always be afraid that i would go through that sort of shitness monstrosity again and i know sooner or later, a sudden moment of epiphany would make me be totally happy and fall in love all over again. i am not bitter, don’t get me wrong and i’m over him but no matter what, there’s still that pang of pain that is always reminding me of how stupid i was that i allowed someone to play me like i’m a rag doll. i know about his intentions when he tries to communicate with me and i’ve done a whole lot of effort to stay away from him but you know, there’s this small part of me who’s so damn in love with him that i just couldn’t stop myself from replying. i know he’s head over heels over someone but the thing is that why the hell would he still contact me whatsoever and please don’t give that ‘he’s your friend’ bullshit ‘cause that’s a total and pure asshat reason. oh well, no stepping backward. forward forward to infinty and beyond. 




*senseless Na.Na*