Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Here I am, three months after leaving without saying goodbye, silently sitting while wondering how you are. I am not really the type of person that would leave in a bad way. I mean, I told you that we could remain friends; I swore to you that our friendship is still intact -- but it looks like I contradicted myself. Err, my bad. 

So, in a new ground, I need to explain myself, maybe not directly to you but still I need to explain myself somehow to completely be in terms with that whole moving on and letting go cliche that I now live by.

There we were, it was the month of July that I magically disappeared from your life -- full of angst, hatred and what not. I loathe you. I seriously murdered you in my mind. I was really hurt -- madly. I was just sitting on my sofa (remember? the one where we screwed over), trying to make sense with everything that has happened; sorting out, figuring out what led us to doomsday. I was so busy holding on that I've forgotten my pledge to myself that I will never let some guy dictate how I should live my life. In my impulsiveness one morning, I took out the sim card from my phone and broke it in half, without even saying good bye. You can't blame me for it, well, you should but at that moment of clarity -- of crazy epiphany, I thought it was the right thing that I NEEDED to do and I didn't and I won't even regret doing that. 

With what happened, with you screwing me with all your sweet whatevers while clearly flirting with every single girls who has a crush on you, made me realize that I am not what you wanted. Clearly, it was all fun and games and I've had enough of it. I got tired of playing -- playing second best. I was too blind to see that I was and will always be your second option -- your go-to buddy when you're bored and I can't and will never be more than that.

I saw the signs. They were too obvious for anyone to notice but not to me. I got blindsided and I was too caught up with the attention that you were given me. See, it wasn't entirely your fault -- most of it was mine. I shouldn't have blamed you then but I needed someone to blame. I couldn't accept the fact that it wouldn't have happened if I didn't allow it to happen.

Now, it's been three months since then. Since I left without a trace. You "restricted" me to view your FB profile. I guess, I deserve that. I deserve the indifference because I know that I started it but who could blame me? If I haven't stopped our communication, I wouldn't be over you and you couldn't be totally happy with her. I did us both a favor. It was for our own good.

I guess, we were too good for each other. We had too much in common that we could ultimately deduce that we were better off friends. We always had it in mind that what we had has an ending. I always knew that. I knew, one day, I had to let you go and I thought that I was ready for it but I guessed it wrongly. I remember telling you not to think about the future and just enjoy the ride. I did enjoy the ride. It was one hell of a ride, babe.

Hey, I didn't say good bye because I could see no point for it. Explaining it you could have worsen things. I was confused, then and I needed change. I needed to get far away from you.

You were the best thing that happened to me last year. After the chaos that has happened to me at that time, you were like my knight in Chuck Taylor and swept me out of tower (metaphor for my fucked up home life).

After all the things that have happened, with all we have said and done, I don't hate you anymore. All I could ever think of now is if you're doing good. I know that you're happy. I can feel it. But I still do wonder what songs your into now or if you still dissect every lyrics or take out certain lines that would describe what you're feeling, etc..

I am, too. I am happy now and I'm doing good. I got no job, though but still, I am extremely comfortable being alone. I am contented right now that I don't need no man to make me happy. It's nice to let things out of the open.

You will always be one of my epic loves. Don't you forget that. . .

I wish you love and happiness.

As always,


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