Saturday, May 28, 2011

They Choke Me Like a Noose

I've been feeling low lately. I feel like nobody trusts me anymore (Am I paranoid or what?). I'm having suicidal thoughts again. Whenever I am thinking deeply about something or whenever I try to close my eyes, I always think about cutting through my abdomen or my wrists. I don't know. I just want to run away from this horrid place, you know. This place doesn't feel like home; this doesn't feel right.

I'm tired of pretending to smile, I'm tired of pretending that I care for others, I'm tired of feeling inferior. In short, I'm tired of feeling anything. I can't even cry anymore. 

Whenever I think about my situation right now, I feel this tightness in my throat and this horrible ache in my chest (I am not exaggerating!). I don't know whom to confide these thoughts and so I decided to put it in my own version of Dumbledore's Pensieve. 

Whenever I am in my parent's house(As what I have said, this place doesn't feel like home), I feel inferior. It feels like I am not important here at all, that I am a burden and that they don't need me at all.

I am tired. I am really tired.

I don't feel loved at all. I don't feel that tender feeling. I want to feel loved. I want to be needed. I want to feel something other than pain. This may sound OA or whatever but what I'm saying is true, in every sense of it. I feel pain. Every random conversation, every word uttered, every smile faked, every forced laughter -- these are painful reminder of how aloof I am.

In school, they also see me as this strong, fearless, playful person BUT truly, I am nothing like what I am showing. I ain't strong, I ain't playful. I am always scared. I am scared of being left out that's why I am faking laughs and smiles, so everybody would want to be friends with me. I am scared of being rejected that's why I am chasing after someone whom I knew I can't have. I am scared of failing. I am scared of the reality, of consequences. I ain't a risk taker. I don't take risks, I always play safe. I am scared and nobody knows about it other than me. I talk a lot about myself. I know that for a fact. I am involving myself in every conversation and making it all about me because I want to be heard. I want to be heard. I want people to listen to me because it seems like no one ever listens to me here.

I have issues, A LOT of issues and no one is there to help. No one cares about me here.

I want to die but in reality, I am scared of death.

 I'll end this post with a song from ESCAPE THE FATE entitled ISSUES.






 
This is the death of me;
I feel it constantly.
Just like an enemy
that wants to see me bleed.
So I try to be silent, but my words, they explode like hand grenades.
I just gotta stay calm, before I let this time bomb blow up in my face.

These issues pin me to the floor.

These issues are my overlord.
I feel so dominated;
These issues, they choke my like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.

The Hounds of Hell, they cry,

that's how they get to me.
Inject my head with lies, the pain's astonishing.
Like a brick or a stone, slowing crushing my bones, sending me to my grave.
And it's such a fake, this life that I've made, I'm going insane.

These issues pin me to the floor.

These issues are my overlord.
I feel so dominated; These issues, they choke my like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.

These issues pin me to the floor.

These issues are my overlord.
I feel so dominated;
These issues, they choke my like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
They choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
they choke me like a noose.
(Issues)
they choke me like a noose.

credit: video photo lyrics 


 
 
 
*senseless Na.Na*

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