Was I ever in love with him? What is love? Can someone really have a definite definition to an abstract thing? Can we trust Mr. Webster with this one?
I think, we all have our own definitions of love; these definitions may be simple or it may be complex but all I know is that even until now, I don't really know what love really is.
If having that feeling of being in cloud nine is love, then I must have been in love; or
If thinking about that someone too much that all you could ever talk about and think about is him, then I must have been in love; or
If having that urge to see him everyday or make out as much as you want is love then I must have been; or
if being hurt and having to feel your heart literally breaking after you found out that he doesn't "love" you anymore and that he found someone who's way better than you are is love then I must have been insanely, irrevocably in love with the wrong person.
I know, I was young then and I didn't have any clue what love is all about, even now. Maybe it's just
infatuation or an addiction or was it just a phase? or maybe it happened because I found someone who's attracted to me for who I am, a weird and disorganized being?
I don't really know but all I know is that when he hurt me, when he dumped me over another girl, it destroyed my innocence. He destroyed my thoughts, my fantasy about this magical, abstract thing that they call love. I even burned bridges which clearly sucks because I've been shooing guys who might actually be right for me.
Maybe the reason why I am into chasing guys who aren't attracted to me is because I have been subconsciously protecting myself from another heartache, from another rejection, from being dumped again, from being hurt or from whatever baggage that love brings with him. I guess, I'm saving myself from love's after-shock.
Six years after the incident, I kind of lost my hope to love. Will I ever love again? Will I be able to give myself to another guy just like what I did the last time? Will I ever be ready? Am I totally healed?
I conclude this post with a song from one of the talented bands that captured my wounded, barely healed heart: THE SCRIPT.
The End Where I Begin
"The cure for the heart is to move along . ."